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2/13/24: life sucks

having a depressive episode, talking about that.

lately my life has felt so pointless. i wake up every morning and do nothing. sometimes i get up and eat, other times i just lay in bed and dont get up until 5pm. the only thing i look forwards to is checking discord messages like the terminally online fuck i am since the one server im in with friends usually has activity and i really enjoy talking to the people there.

my girlfriend wants to come over next weekend, but just the thought of it is filling me with dread. i want to see her of course, but some part of me just wants to keep doing whatever is is-- rotting in bed etc. i got tickets to see one of my fav bands live with her on the 29th but im struggling to be exited for that either.

i should start going outside again. for a while i was going out every single day and reading and walking etc but it got really cold so i went back to staying inside, now that the weather is nice again im just too unmotivated to go out and enjoy it. i like just staring at my computer all day in a way yknow? its comforting. i havent even been programming anymore, i dont do anything on my computer i just have it on and flip through tabs and windows hoping to find something interesting.

i might start taking GED courses but i have to rely on my parents to get me an ID which means it probably wont happen for another 2 months. im turning 17 in soon, i dont want to be 17. im supposed to be a junior, what is wrong with me? what did i do to deserve being a drop out? im not gonna be able to go to college. i cant work retail because my body hates me. im gonna become homeless and die. my parents say they expect me to be successful, they are going to be disappointed.

they have such high expectations for me because they think theyre good parents and im proof of that for still being alive despite everything. despite everything theyve done to me i am alive and somehow thats supposed to make them look GOOD. yeah sure, pull me out of school as a 7 year old and neglect me my entire life now you have a super independent kid who doesnt need you to survive, wow! youre such great parents! wow, despite not having any education your kid is still literate, youre so progressive with your new education techniques guys. oh your kid wants to die? well youre such great parents it must have nothing to do with the way you raised him. good job for putting him in therapy and then making him feel horribly guilty for all the medical bills because he's your only disabled and mentally ill child so it must be all his fault.

my siblings get to have a great life. i envy them so much. my brother thinks hes smarter than me at age 14 because im a drop out, and hes right. my parents cant even argue with it because its true. he goes to a nice private school on a scholarship and gets straight As, im a fucking failure who cant do simple math. i wish i got the attention growing up they get. my parents like to act like theyve always treated their kids nicely and since they care about me now it means the years of neglect didnt happen. im sick of this.

getting a new therapist soon, hopefully. my old therapist terminated our sessions apparently but i dont know when ill be starting with the new one, or if ill even be able to see him. needed a therapist who can do EMDR because of my phobia that ruins my life that talking about here will make me delete this entire post so i wont.

i watched "the adaptation" last night. i relate to charlie kauffman. i get what will toledo was talking about now.

2/16/24: i dont want to die

kind of intense vent, suicidality

i dont even want to die, i dont want to leave my loved ones behind i dont want to add more pain to the world. but life is just so hard. i dont think im built to handle it. i know that makes me weak, but i cant help it! every emotion hits me like a truck.

when anything bad happens, when a friend is sad or a person i dont even know dies, i feel like my heart is breaking. when i have fun and love someone or something, its so strong it physically hurts and i want to escape. when im depressed i cant imagine how any joy im capable of is worth the pain i feel in that moment. i cant handle all of this. there is too much happening in the world for me to ever be content or okay.

i want to be selfless and experience all of this and keep going to make people happy, but im not. im selfish, i dont want to keep feeling these things all the time i want to escape. i know how much pain it would cause people around me but god i cant fucking do this for another 60 years or however long my natural lifespan would be, especially when i know my life isnt going to be easy as is. im going to have to work so fucking hard to be on the same level as my peers for the rest of my life. i am not going to be able to get a good job. i am going to die working and my only "reward" will be joy that will make me just as sad and overwhelmed as pain does.

i feel trapped. my brains natural reaction to feeling trapped is fantasizing about suicide so i could actually get away from all of this forever. i really dont know what to do. there are no drugs to strip me of empathy and even if there were i wouldnt want to take them, feeling things like this is what makes me myself even if i hate it.

i dont know what the answer is when the thing causing you so much pain is an instrumental part of you.

2/17/24: im a sensetive baby i know

rejection sensitivity vent & suicidal ideation

im feeling horrible. last night one of my friends became upset with me and ever since i havent even been able to look at my phone without getting extremely anxious. i feel like i need to disappear and never talk to them or anyone in that friendgroup ever again.

ive already had to change my name once because of "drama" that took place surrounding this group, although of course the people im still friends with were not the cause and supported me when the group split. thisis nowhere near as bad as the situation that took place before (before i was being harrassed and talked shit about constantly for days, this is just a minor disagreement) but because of that history this has just kind of triggered me and i dont know what to do.

its really not a big deal. i gave bad advice and they understandably were upset at me, but i cant bring myself to apologize because of the way they reacted. they said i pissed them off and sent a huge message explaining how the advice i gave was unhelpful and horrible and i get it i know i fucked up but i just cant figure out what im supposed to say to that. i always feel horrible like i should just stop trying to help anyone because i always fuck it up and i dont know how to respond to that in a way that doesnt victimize myself.

theyre such a nice person and they mean so much to me, i look up to them a lot and really care about keeping them safe so i gave advice asking them not to do something unhealthy and they said theyre gonna do it no matter what so im insensetive for "just telling them not to". i know them and i know they didnt say any of it to hurt me, theyre just giving criticism but idk. i cant fucking deal with it rn.

i feel like the world would be better off without me again. anytime something lke this happens i start thinking about how ive been using the pain id cause people around me if i die to push myself to keep going, but i cause just as much pain by interacting with the world too. the best course of action would be for me to completely isolate and stop talking to anyone and wait until they stop caring about me, then die. i genuinely hate myself so much. im so useless. all i fucking do is hurt people. i try to make friends but ffs i dont deserve anyone.

i did some bad stuff last night to cope. i usually regret that kinda thing afterwards but i dont, i feel like i did the right thing. considering doing more. i really dont deserve to be happy.

2/20/24: miss my brother

ive been sad about my brother not wanting to hang out with me lately. we used to be really close but lately he never wants to do anything, he'd rather be in his room all day. he's been a lot meaner than he used to be for a while, its been a big topic in therapy. i know its just because he's 14 and eventually he'll grow up and be a nice person but until then i just get so sad when i think about how distant he is.

ive been trying to get him to watch a movie with me the last week and i was playfully asking him why he wouldnt watch it over dinner and eventually he just started ignoring me. it made me feel so shitty. i just want to spend time with him and for him to be nice. hes so mean all the time. what if he does end up staying this way? lots of people never grow up and stop being assholes, im terrified he'll turn out to be one of them. i know thats unlikely, but idk. hes been raised extremely differently to me so i have no idea how he'll turn out.

ive had to take care of myself my whole life, he's by comparison really spoiled. he doesn't know how to do basic chores (he cant use an oven!), gets to go to a bougie white rich kid school, and all his friends are cis teenage boys. not saying my parents way of raising me is better, im glad he gets to have a more normal childhood but still its really foreign to me and  i dont know what to expect.

i wanted to talk to him about my website this morning but he just started ignoring me or answering with "uhuh". he likes programming so i thought itd be something he'd wanna talk about, but i guess not. i miss him so much. he was my best friend. now he's just some random dude who lives in my house.

in other news the other day i was definitely overreacting. i apologized and everything went back to being okay again. im still kinda upset because of it, but its not too bad now. i worked on my main website all day yesterday (what else is new /sarcasm) and im fully redesigning it for the fourth time lol. hopefully this will be the last time, im just so jealous of how cool other peoples websites are. im not very good at coding so mine is super shitty in comparison.

ive been drawing more lately, i made some madoka magica fanart and 2 OC pieces this week. ive been trying to work on writing the outline of one of my planned comics, but im struggling. writing is hard, especially when you have no experience.

2/25/24: its actually so fucking over

suicidality, absolute fucking devastating depression.

yesterday i had a really fun time with my friends, but the entire time all i could think about is dying. i was hanging out with them literally the entire day was probably the funnest day of my life, but i just couldnt be fully happy. it felt like it did back when my sibling was here and i had so many friends i hung out with every day. i miss them, i missed that feeling. but its also fucking destroyed me and i dont know how to keep going. ever since i got home that night ive been on and off sobbing feeling sorry for myself. i havent been this depressed in a really long time.

everyone is moving on without me. my best friend graduated she has a job and bought her own car and is looking for an apartment all my other friends are about to graduate and go to college and they have so many other friends besides me that they see every day because they go to school and have and everything i wish i could have back. nothing will ever be the same. if it was just normal growing up stuff i could cope with all of the change but the thing is its not. its not "we're all going to college and starting our adult lives" its "everyone else is doing that and im never ever going to catch up."

my life is so irrevocably fucked. i was looking forward to maybe getting my GED but thats slipped through the cracks again because im going to need to get a drivers license first and then be good enough at driving to drive myself an hour to and from the education center every day. im finally getting my social security card but now it doesnt matter! im still going to have to wait atleast another year to even apply for the program.

my therapist cancelled all our future appointments because im supposed to start seeing a new guy for EMDR but i dont even know if ill be capable of EMDR. i cant see the fucking point. i wish i had other options besides death, i keep trying to really figure out if i truly want to die or not-- and the answer is no. i dont want to die. i want to live and be happy, but i want to live someone elses life i cant keep going stuck with this one. when i think about how much i really do want to live and be happy it only makes me want to die more because i know ill never have a life that can make me happy.

i dont even know if this new therapist will be a good one. maybe he'll downplay all the ways my parents have ruined my life just like everyone else and say its my fault for not having the initiative while also refusing to diagnose me with ADHD like ive been begging because i cant fucking self educate without ADHD treatment. i wish anyone would listen to me and believe me. i just want one adult who actually cares about me and wants to make things better, not just with ADHD, with everything. i want someone on my side so desperately. my old therapist tried to help but he couldnt. i went to intensive outpatient for 3 months and the therapist there tried too and it didnt work. both of them still wouldnt believe me about half the other shit thats happened and im so fucking sick of feeling like a hypochondriac.

im literally at rock bottom. i dont think theres anything left to keep going for. i havent gotten out of bed once today, ive barely talked to anyone including my gf even though shes been trying to text me all day ive just been avoiding her, i cant fucking do this anymore. i cant stop crying, this is the first time ive cried in almost a year. i am so fucking depressed i feel worse than i did when i was fucking 13 with no support and no medication or therapy. atleast back then i had a possible future. i have nothing now. theres actually no point.

i tried talking to 988 and they made me feel so much worse. i stayed in a chat with them from 4am to 7am this morning and all it did was confirm no one gives a fuck. im so tired.

3/7/24: birthdays, breakdowns, and other happenings

depressive talk! not the entire focus of the post but it is a very large part so be warned.

hi. its been a while since i even came online. thats not because ive lost interest in journaling or anything, i just havent even been going on my PC, ever since my last entry ive been super depressed. this episode has been really weird. the episode i had last summer was like a tortuous despair, this one has been like chronic hopelessness. usually i snap out of the depressive haze for a while when i do something fun, but ive been doing fun stuff and nothing has made it go away.

i suck at explaining things in a fluid manner so here is a list of things that have happened:

• i went to a concert with my gf, we got to meet the band and get an autograph. it was super fun!
• i hung out with my friend R, we went around town shopping, i got a monster high movie on DVD, a key hanger, a halloween tinsel thing, and a scooby doo metal decal. afterwards they stayed the night at my place and we played skip-bo and made jewelry.
• my discord account got suspended and i lost 3 years of message history :))))))))))))))))))
• ive been avoiding talking to my gf because every time i do i get an awful feeling of dread for some reason.
• my birthday happened, im 17 now. i got CSH merch.
• i got a new therapist finally

most of that stuff is good. im still not any less depressed though! talking to the new therapist went alright, i cant start EMDR because im too unstable right now obviously but this guy seems to be a lot more helpful than my last one. his advice is good. i also had an appointment with my psych and she upped my meds so maybe that will help out.

when im not fulfilling my social obligations ive been doing absolutely nothing. most of my days recently have been spent almost completely just laying in bed watching youtube or listening to music. it sucks. its unproductive, but really its not like any of the other shit i could be doing would be productive either. i might as well just rot in bed and stop caring lol.

i might try to start programming again tomorrow. my new therapist said i should be setting tiny daily goals, that could be my goal for tomorrow i guess. idk. im really sleepy rn, its 1am! i told myself i was gonna write an entry today and im doing it, i deserve an award. ok goodnight maybe tomorrow ill come back and write something more coherent.

3/10/24: im so tired

depression, suicide, etc

i am so fucking tired! i am tired of trying, im tired of people trying to tell me how i could fix my life as if i wouldnt jump at the opportunity if it was actually plausible. just had a kinda-fight with my gf because she tried to make plans and i told her i cant because im at such a low point i just cant do it. she said i cant let myself rot in bed forever, and that im being selfish and she feels unwanted because ive been ignoring her texts. i have. i am. shes completely justified in feeling that way but i seriously dont know what to do.

i apologized but i know its not gonna stop, i just genuinely cannot handle talking to her right now and this conversation just made my urge to avoid her even worse. its not that shes doing anything bad i just i guess cant mask how i feel around her so when i try and talk to her everything would just pour out. i want to break up with her just so she can stop being so worried about me but i know it would break her heart. it would break mine too but i honestly feel like itd be good since itd be the final nail in the coffin to make me have absolutely no hope left.

this morning i actually logged out of discord and deleted all my social media apps to isolate more effectively and it worked, around 10pm i decided to log back in to check messages to make sure nothing crazy has happened and i responded to my gf but i shouldnt have. im gonna delete them all again tonight. im curious to see how long it takes for anyone to actually get worried about me. i know my gf would be worried but if she really wants me to talk to her she can text plus she knows ive been isolating so she'll understand what happened.

idk what im even saying anymore im just rambling. i feel bad bcz i hung out with a friend this weekend and last weekend without my gf but the thing is i really didnt want to. i just felt obligated and im not open about how fucking depressed i am with most of my irls besides my gf so i couldnt be like "yeah haha sorry im actually doing horrible rn and cant handle hanging out with you" im scared my gf thinks im just trying to avoid her but thats not true its just shes the only one who i can ignore with them actually understanding why and not assuming it means i hate them.

my dad wants me to eat some rice he cooked even tho its 1am. im hungry and i WANT to eat it but im having trouble convincing myself to get out of bed. i did go to lunch with my family today but it was alo a miserable experience for me, as soon as we got home i went to my room and havent gotten out of bed since.

goodnight im sleepy.

3/11/23: day 1 of isolation

suicide, self harm, medication msiuse, depression, brief ED mention

woke up at 12pm, did not get up a single time until like 5pm when my brother asked to watch 3 episodes of an anime with me. after that i went and ate some food at like 8 and watched my little sister play minecraft for a while. i deleted discord off my phone but i couldnt help checking it on my PC when i was programming and got notifs. no one really cares. my friend i talk to every day seems to be talking less but thats probably because im not responding, my gf mesaged a few times. i didnt respond to anything. im gonna keep doing this. i dont even know why, i guess im attention seeking or something or i feel like i deserve this.

ive been dodging my insomnia meds as a form of self harm or something. i also like the idea of having a bunch of them stockpiled. i dont think i can overdose on them but if i do anything it would be nice to have something to make me sleepy so its over quickly. i dont plan on doing anything. i dont want to. i just know its coming up soon. my gf asked yesterday during our fight "you’re just gonna keep feeling worse and worse until you get mad suicidal if you just do nothing" and shes right thats exactly what is going to happen. thats what i want to happen.

genuinely considering going out on a walk tmrw just so i can see if i can steal some cigs from the sidewalk. i know herpes and its generally gross but i have some ways around that part. i just need something to feel better. cutting doesnt work to make me feel better, when i go deep its a chore and when i go shallow its disappointing. i havent cut in a few weeks just because i dont even care enough about myself for that. i also havent been doing ana correctly because i dont give a fuck. if i die fat so be it. i want to eat as much as i want whenever i want while i still can.

im gonna start working on letters again. when it gets this bad i always write letters and then dont use them, maybe this time i finally will. i know dying will be selfish, i know its going to cause more pain than i could possibly imagine. but i am not a good person. i want to convince myself and everyone else that i am, but im not. when it comes down to it, i dont care if it hurts them. i cant fucking do this even for them. my life is pointless, it has been since i was 8 years old. im a walking corpse.

3/13/24: things are better, but also worse.

suicide, extremely graphic self harm art

last night i redownloaded discord. my gf was really really worried about me

i feel. horrible. im letting this hurt her. she cares so much and im throwing it away. she has a life and a future, she deserves more than this. i truly want to break up with her to save her from me but i dont wanna break up, kill myself, and cause 2 heartbreaks in a row. itd be better to just kill myself while we're still together. she changed her pfp from my drawing of her i did and i know she probably just got bored of it and wanted a change but it feels like she did it because she wants to break up and i want her to, but im also scared.

we're gonna play minecraft tomorrow and a few more times throughout the week, i kinda regret agreeing to it but i want her to be less worried. ive been playing minecraft with my dad and my sister too, its been fun. its easier to play with them because theres no expectation of conversation. if me and my gf were physically in the same room while playing itd be a lot less stressful than over the phone trying to avoid dead air.

i finally asked my mom to schedule an appointment with my therapist, at first she said no because we dont have insurance rn but a few hours later i guess she rememebered i havent been out of my room in weeks and changed her mind that it is actually worth the money. idk if he'll even be able to help but i guess its worth a shot. i feel more motivated to try to get better, but im also more suicidal. im starting to tip away from "my life is pointless so im just gonna do whatever i want" and more towards "my life is pointless i should die".

also i drew these. im very proud of them.

3/14/24: time travel

child neglect, graphic talk of suicide and self harm

i constantly think about how much better my life could be if i could time travel and stop my parents from pulling me out of school. my life has been doomed from that moment, i couldve been happy, i couldve had purpose. i know i wouldve had depression anyways, but i atleast couldve gotten better and have something to look forward to. now theres no way for me to ever feel like recovery is worth it, there will be nothing for me on the other side. im living right now purely because i enjoy doing pointless stuff and want to do it for as long as i can, but once life becomes inescapable i am going to kill myself and there will be no reason NOT to.

i can barely remember my life ages 8-10, probably because i have nothing to remember. i know my mom was always asleep, my dad was always at work, and me and my brother would do whatever bullshit we wanted all day every day. it didnt worry me as much then because i didnt understand the gravity of the situation, but even then it did scare me and i wanted to go back to normal school so badly. i wish i had beeged and pleaded to go back. now its too late, im never gonna be able to get my childhood back. when i was 14 i went back to school for half of 9th grade but i had to quit because of trans issues, but i was supposed to go back. i never did. my parents stalled and let all my future drip away.

my parents love me, but they dont care about me as a person. they want me to be happy but they refuse to do anything that would give me a happy future. if they really cared, they would actually try. they would stop lying to doctors every time they ask if im in school. im not "homeschooled", "homeschooling" requires "school". i dont do anything. today i woke up at 3pm and no one cared, because me sleeping all day is no different than if i were awake. everything is pointless.

when i kill myself im going to say its not their faults, but i need someone to hear this: it is their fault. they did this to me. i will never be happy and they dont give a single shit. i hope they feel guilty for the rest of their lives after i die.

its hard right now, because used to i would plan out a date to kill myself but now it really doesnt matter when i do it. i probably should wait until after easter but after that not only is it fair game, its the optimal time. the best time would be late may.

before that, i think im going to let myself have a big cutting sesh where i just do not care about not dying. gonna go as deep as i want and if i hit a vein and die, oh well! itll be like a little game ;)

3/18/24: idek man

brief self harm & sui

hi, its been a while. since my last entry things havent necessarily gotten better, but i have been able to supress some of the terrible feelings. like two days ago i wouldve said something different, at that time i felt completely trapped and simultaneously wanted to live and also die. now idrc. that whole SH sui plan isnt appealing now but who knows, ill probably be back up for it by the time it becomes possible.

my gf keeps asking to hang out soon but i really dont want to, it feels horrible to tell her that because ive been playing MC with my family so it seems like im capable of it and am just avoiding her, but i just cant and i dont know what about her it is that makes me so anxious.

i was visiting a certain forum daily but ive now ceased that since i started getting scared my parents would find out and kill me. i know they can see some of my internet activity thru something they have on our internet provider so its always in the back of my mind.

i just dont know ab anything right now. its all confusing.

4/17/24: very little development

brief ment of self harm and csa

wow, been like exactly a month since my last entry. some things have happened. i saw my therapist again today, that makes our third ever appointment. he's a really good therapist; actually helps in tangible ways. i still feel like shit, but not as bad. i havent relapsed so thats "good" and i havent had any real SI lately. just continue to feel unmotivated and like my life is pointless. i can kinda see how i have a way forward, but god it seems so far. im too lazy for all of that work.

therapist told me that he thinks my emotional impermanence is some sort of dissociative amnesia which is new to me. it definitely makes sense but i never thought of it. in trying to look back and understand why i wouldve developed it i can remember being 9-10 and literally just sitting trying to force myself to stop remembering certain things in order to be able to cope with life. makes sense that would have consequences, lol. i already know for a fact my brain keeps information from me, like how i only remembered my CSA a year ago and after going through a mental breakdown because of it can no longer really remember. i know i remembered at some point because i wrote it down, but now its all way hazier and i dont actually have memories i can just picture what my writing describes, like it happened to someone else and they told me about it.

he said he wants to have me evaluated, but i doubt that will happen. we still dont have good insurance, and even if we did my parents never get around to doing anything. i wish i had the ability to make appointments and shit myself but i genuinely just cant. i cant talk to strangers or understand what theyre saying, auditory processing issues combined with loss of speech makes it impossible. idk how i will ever function as an adult.

i wish i could remember things. i barely remember what my life was like last year anymore, nothing sticks all of my experiences and memories are meaningless. i wih i was someone else so i could make my own doctors appointments and not stay in bed all day in pain and fatigue. i wish my life had gone better. wishing wont do me any good and i know that, but god. idk if ive said this before but literally most of my daily thoughts are about time travel, i dont go a day without thinking about it. i just want a different life.

my therapist says to start talking to myself differently. obviously from this entry that has not been going well. i dont know how to change the way i talk to myself. i feel like all of my thoughts are just objective truths, he says i should be as gentle with myself as i am with others but im not in other peoples heads! i dont live other peoples lives! when i encourange others, i am speaking as a third party. when i speak to myself, it might as well be the voice of god in terms of how accurate it is to my life. i know what my life is like. i know what i am like. i speak to myself the way i deserve to be spoken to.

all that said in the last paragraph, i really need to stop thinking that way because i know it also isnt true. i dont remember who i am, i have no real sense of congruent identity because i have no memory of anything except myself right now. its hard though to wrap my head around the fact that none of my thoughts are made with full information, though. i always feel like i know everything about myself despite knowing nothing. i need to get a grip, this is pathetic.